if you live you die.
if you die, you're dead.
if you live you experience things both good and bad.
the bad sometimes makes you appreciate the good, but not always.
this speaks nothing of the good, just for itself.
the good makes you happy.
happiness we value.
value is man-made.
man-made things break.
we will all be broken and dead.
It's been ages since I've collected and I'm sure the rock tumbler machine left me at a garage sale a long time ago. I haven't taken the time to look at shapes of rocks, much less the colours. But suddenly I am realizing that I have tons of little stones everywhere. You can't see them and you probably never will, but I have pockets and purses and suitcases filled with them. They're small, but they're weighing me down and I can't help but to keep holding onto them. I hate their weight and the pain they've given me- small stones add up to make a large boulder- but at the same time there's something beautiful about them... there's a reality. There's nothing more real than a rock, whether it hurts you as you stub your toe on it, or whether you skip it across a beautiful lake- helping it make it's way around the world, there's something worthwhile about a rock.
hides in the sun
days hide reality
lies to your face
eyes to eyes
truth spills from lips
cold and harsh
ice breaking glass
smooth now jaged
drips in the sand
waves crashing in
washes away footprints
Did you feel it?
Just a reminder
It kills to need it
But it keeps you alive
You need the pain
It'll only hurt for so long
But don't believe it's left
You'll just be numb
Eventually it'll stop
When you're six feet deep
So hold on
It'll be nothing more than a memory.
a minute portion or point of time (according to Merriam-Websters Dictionary).
So why the fuck aren't people maturing? Why aren't they learning things? Why are they such egotistical assholes? Why are people so coldhearted?
or maybe you dont know what you want it to mean, but the way you relate it is with a subject is how you determine a conscious awareness of your thoughts and feelings.
so are those thoughts and feelings real? or shaped? or is shaped just an insightful representation of reality previously beyond your perception?
or maybe what you "relate" is selective... you select what you want to relate because it fits to fit your thoughts or opinions or feelings on the subject.
what I'm saying is
how do you really know something? even if it's something as basic as knowing yourself, can you ever really know yourself? fully? Maybe you know a few solid boundaries, a few lines to live by. Maybe life is just nothing more than a bunch of maybes... and maybes that line up can work, and maybes that are too far of a stretch don't.... or is that too far of a stretch?
- Current Location:Alex's
- Current Mood: indescribable
- Current Music:coldplay- the scientist
"Sometimes rescue comes to you. It just shows up, and you do nothing. Maybe you deserve it, maybe you don’t. But be ready, when it comes, to decide if you will take the outstretched hand and let it pull you ashore."
The lighthouse had guided me so close to harbor, but I was still terrified to actually go ashore. So long in the water makes you aware of everything. No matter how cold it is in the water, the air is always colder. My body was pruned, showing every flaw, every insecurity, but for some reason I was still swimming into the captivity of the harbor. How long could I stay here before I was noticed? How long until someone forced me out? Was it too late to just go to the lighthouse and find some shelter there until at least my skin returned to normal and I could take my time in adjusting again?
And then..... in just one glance I knew I had to get out. Not immediately. But he would try to make me. He sat on the dock and talked to me while I was in the water. He’d been in the ocean before too- he understood. Or did he? Maybe not. He’d experienced the waves, but he got out of the water. So maybe he didn’t. I still wouldn’t get out of the water. We kept talking, sometimes for a while and other times not so long. In time he became the most incredible person I had ever known. Not even the constant rocking of the waves could console your mind as well as his confident composure. His warm smile and welcoming eyes encouraged me and somewhere in the depths of my chest I felt a tugging as my heart made room for him.
But the tugging hurt me. Even in the saltwater, my wounds hadn’t fully healed and the pulling stretched the scars… the traces of him. And so I held back all feeling, finding some reason to leave when I felt I couldn’t hold back much longer. A bad wave, some memory swimming past me that brushed my leg, anything to help me hold back. But every time I glimpsed him at the dock, he was there. Sometimes with other girls talking to him, but he always seemed to be looking around. Could he be looking for me? Waiting for me? Surely not.
What he was to me consumed my mind, and I attempted turning it off. I ignored everything that resembled the slightest feeling of love for him. I was smart. You can’t get let down if you have no expectations, you can’t get hurt if you don’t care- at least not as badly. We still talked, though not as much. Then one day he asked me “do you think about me when I’m not around.” I didn’t know what to say. Why did he want to know? What was it to him if I did or didn’t? But I answered half-honestly. I said yes. What I should have said was so cliché, “if you only knew how much,” or “I can’t get you out of my head,” or, even more honest, “I think I love you, but I’m trying to forget that because I’m a weak and scared idiot who can’t accept that maybe you’re different and maybe you could be everything I’d ever want.” But I’m not sure how aware of that fact I was. I just knew I did and I didn’t want to.
But that question, it changed everything. I kept thinking about it. I found the logical answers to my questions “why does he want to know?” If I was right, then he did like me- and maybe, if I could be so lucky, a part of him was waiting for me. But he wouldn’t wait forever, I didn’t want him to. I began to want to be ready; I was running out of reasons to withstand my feelings.
¤ ¤ ¤
The last time I was in the water looking up at him, I was tired of it. Tired of my gross skin, of the people coming and going while I stayed in place treading water, but mostly I was tired of feeling so far away from him. I was ready. I wasn’t nervous when I climbed out. He pulled me into his embrace, holding me close. It was what was right, what should have happened so long before. I knew it then, I felt it then. We both felt it. We smiled. We danced.
- Current Mood: loved
I now have 3 points of breathing room for an A for my labwork. it shouldn't be a problem, but still sucks.
I'm taking Alex on a date next week... it's going to be a great surprise... if it all works out... I hope so! I REALLY want it to happen perfectly! The driving will suck though...
- Current Location:floor of livingroom
- Current Mood: hopeful
- Current Music:the washing machine